This afternoon while quietly sipping on a passable chardonnay and reading the New York Post at a neighborhood pub, I overheard an angry drunk down the bar from me defend his -- by me unheard -- position to neighboring seatmates by shouting: "...well you know what?? I have MY OWN GOVERNMENT that is separate from the United States of America!!"
His outburst circled persistently around me for the rest of the evening like a hungry cat, until I realized out loud that I TOO have my own government, quite apart from the United States, but in its way, far more in control of my daily destiny than Uncle Sam.
For purposes of explanation, I will refer to this government as the U.S. of W., or, the United Segments of Woody.
The USW is modeled largely upon the USA's "three-legged stool" concept, apportioning equal and balancing power to each of its main branches: Executive, Legislative and Judicial.
I am, and I have always been, Chief Executive, Commander in Chief and President of the USW (running typically unopposed). If there were a few years in the early 80's when my administration was roiled in scandal, and several names were quietly floated as possible replacements should I lose my position in some sort of coup, impeachment or other contretemps, then I can gladly say that cooler heads prevailed and I weathered the storm, soon back in the 50-55% approval range where I now tend to hover, good times and bad. In my capacity as President, I act upon and execute the laws and appropriations that have been approved by the Legislature.
The Legislative function of the USW is split between the rollicking House of Immediate Desires, and its calmer, more staid brother, the Senate.
The House of Immediate Desires is a body of constantly varying size consisting of those things that I want desperately and must have this very second. The term of a Representative to the House is either: (A) one minute, or (B) however long my desperation persists, whichever is longest. Representatives each have a vote, the size of which is based upon the degree of passion I feel. Thus, "Wow, Look At That Cinnamon 8.5 Quart Le Creusét Stockpot!" can swagger through the House doors twirling 3,500 votes, whereas "White Double-Sided Sticky Tape" may spend its entire brief life in the House never accumulating as much as two. Similarly, "DVD Boxed Sets" have held a consistent 50-vote block for the past ten years, while "Music CDs" have sadly lost most of their base over the same period, dropping from a Clinton-era bloat of 100 votes to a shabby crowd of five votes today. "An Extra Hour's Sleep" is a consistent megafave, commanding 2,500 or so guaranteed votes, and routinely carries the day. Fleeting flavor-du-jour Reps come and go: today's "The Complete MAD! Magazine on DVD-ROM!" replaced by "Festive Spring Placemats!" almost before the transition is fully understood.
Members of the House are nearly all, to a man, former lobbyists, and it is their nature to only vote "YES!" on every proposal, childishly unconcerned about the effect that even the smallest "pork" project can have on the overall expense. Indeed, it is not uncommon for the House to put forward a formal Budget (usually issued monthly, though often updated on the quarter hour) which exceeds available USW funding by factors of 10,000. To quote an old saw, it seems every Representative is quick to call his neighbor's kettle "Expensive!", but is loathe to turn that same spotlight upon himself.
Down the hall from this raucous "Wild West" body sits the calmer and more far-sighted Senate. Limited constitutionally to just 50 Core Needs, each with two votes, the Senate's structure allows the older, more entrenched players to build long-standing alliances that, over time, create and maintain a sense of order. Thus, "Rent/Mortgage" and "Car Insurance" sit like stately bald eagles, voted in, year after year, for their ballbuster, no-nonsense grasp of the issues. Slighter players surely exist -- "Magazine Subscriptions," "Ice Cream/Chocolate Milk/Other Fatty Treats," "Electronic Gadgets" and the like -- but, by and large, this is a group guided by experience and common sense.
The Senate receives all bills and budgets from the House and, often, quashes them outright. "A 480-Inch Plasma Flatscreen HDTV!": failed by a vote of 36-10, with 4 abstaining. "Laser Re-Shaping of the Molars!": dead on arrival, 50-0. But bills with a more reasonable silhouette can pass through the Senate, which lacks a crucial line-item veto. Thus, "New Curtains for the Living Room" will typically win Senate approval, though conspicuously larded with embedded riders ("A Palm-Sized Movie Projector!," "Set of Nine Hindi Wall Sconces!," "Let's take the week off!") shamelessly inserted by the House.
Often, however, and far, far more often than one would imagine, a bill or budget request leaves the House and hits the Senate, only to result in a dead-tie floor vote, or a disagreement as to the validity of its legal or constitutional underpinnings.
It is at this point that the entire venture is thrown to the Judicial branch, headed by The Supreme Court of the USW. Least understood of the three governmental branches, The Court exists far above the daily fray, and concerns itself with only the truest nature of the law: what is the very essence of want vs. need? The righteousness of action or delay? This hallowed body consists of (A) certain friends, added or subtracted according to subject matter, controlling 45% of the vote, (B) my mother, with a 50% voting share, and, (C) me, the President, with a 97% vote.
It is this last formula which perhaps more than anything else has caused the slow decline of the USW, allowing me, myself, to decide all but the most clear-cut cases of misguided consumerism or ridiculousness. Thus, I live in a home without a 480-inch Plasma Flatscreen HDTV. I have not abandoned New York to move to Easter Island to take haunting photographs of the unusual creatures living therein. I do not possess the $1,400 Collector's set of leather-bound Agatha Christie reproductions, nor are my molars as yet electronically resized.
I do, however, own both "The Complete MAD! Magazine on DVD-Rom" and some very festive spring placemats.
Woody Firm, March 19, 2008