Despite popular opinion to the contrary, I am a person who loves to laugh. Not so much to have fun, but to laugh. Shoulders jacked, diaphragm contracting, PEZ-dispenser-face belly laughter. It's a jolt of a kind of energy that we so rarely connect with.
And few things in life make me laugh as heartily as "Found Ridiculousness." Where you misread, mishear, come in late to the conversation, or just plain don't understand. When confronted with this particular stimuli, my brain -- and, I suspect, most brains -- must make certain basic decisions very quickly, like a junior mailclerk in a much larger operation. It's "Oh shit, can this be right? This is not a normal package. Okay, deep breath, just chill! I think I just saw/heard/read this. Well, it sounds sort of wrong to me, but hey, who the fuck am I to put up a fuss? It has the proper address and zip code, so I'm just going to timestamp it and send it on up."
Perhaps it would be easiest to explain what I call Found Ridiculousness by citing one example which caused me to literally fall onto my knees laughing and come perilously close to being escorted outside by security. I was in a big bookstore chain on a lunch hour, using the time to soothe my daily anxieties, when from the periphery of my sight I vaguely registered a large display -- stacks of one title, a cardboard cutout of the author, and signage trumpeting what, to me, read as: "The 100 Most Menstrual Women in History!"
It took only one tick of the mindclock for me to turn and actually read: "The 100 Most Influential Women in History," but it was, of course, by then far too late. That other snickering side of my mind, the side that tells fart jokes in church, was already riffing: "#19: Victoria Lindvelle - Melbourne, AU, 1889-1967. WHOA! You cannot even begin to believe how menstrual this woman was!! H-O-L-Y shit! Like a frikkin' lawn sprinkler!"
No currently popular art form -- other than eavesdropping -- affords as ripe an opportunity for Found Ridiculousness as does the music we hear on the radio. Books have been written about the phenomenon of misheard lyrics, which now even has a formal name: "Mondegreens." As legend has it, one Sylvia Wright had a favorite folk song from her youth about how blackheart n'er-do-wells had killed "Earl O'Murray and Lady Mondegreen." And so, for most of her life, Sylvia carried a purely internal story of that tragic Lady Mondegreen -- how she had come to be in that very spot! just THEN? when assailants chose to avenge their hatred of Earl O'Murray and slay her too -- she, now but a sad asterisk. Only later did Ms. Wright discover that the actual lyrics of this ballad read: "They killed Earl O'Murray and laid him on the green." Laid him on the green. Roughly put, "he hit the dirt." No Lady Mondegreen. No backstory. No innocent damsel caught in the melee. No poignant reflection on the cruel coin-toss that separates chance from destiny. One complete mental movie: poof!
If the funny in Found Ridiculousness is two-fold, the second half is king. First you process/hear/see something odd, perhaps even absurd or shocking. That's funny enough. But the true belly laugh is thanks to that mental mailclerk. Not wanting to rock the boat, just wanting to get to five o'clock and go home. "Okay, I just heard something really weird. Okay. But I'm not going to ruffle any feathers for this. Let's just think for a second and see how we can get this through the system and up the ramp." Lady Mondegreen. Okay. She was, like, I guess, some royal friend of O'Murray and maybe they were walking around like all those Shakespeare people do. And then some guys came and shot them. Two dead bodies, a folk song, poor them, whatever. No biggie. Plausible. Stamp it and move on.
I logged my first Mondegreen as a 3rd grader when my family moved to a town large enough to have a radio station. One of my new favorite songs (which still makes my nostrils flare to this day) was a humid number by Bobby Goldsboro called "Summer (The First Time)" that in retrospect owes its entire storyline to "The Summer of '42." In the song, an alluring older woman is first pictured sitting on a summer stoop, the sweat trickling down the front of her gown, as she entices the much younger singer who, understandably, notes: "Her shoulders were bare, and I tried not to stare when I looked at her tooley."
Unmistakable. Though, admirably, he tried not to stare, he of course had to look at her tooley. It's as plain as dirt. Listen!...but am I wrong??
In my pre-urban, village-shaped vocabulary, a "tooley" was what we men in the world carried between our legs, what we peed with, our little unit. "Wash your tooley!" was a bathtub requirement. Yet here she was, this worldly seductress in a song that seemed so dangerously adult, so steamingly....something. And she had a tooley! I had a clear mental image of her, in a red sleeveless dress, blondish hair like the Bionic Woman. And, well, I guess I could sort of follow what the singer was saying and...well kind of in a way picture what he was seeing, though the visual was unsettling. How she had this tooley, and why it was out for him to stare at...troubling, yes, but somehow it all worked within the slow, shaggish world of the song. She was so beautiful and the weather was super hot, and this was his big first crush...for god's sake, she was 31, he was 17! So she has a tooley? Hey, so what?! Maybe that's just not a huge dealbreaker for them. He did try not to stare. Okay, done. Now can I sing along?
I finally asked my mother one day as the song played on the radio in our red Ford Pinto: "How come she has a tooley?" Mom, stunned and speechless at first, pointed out that the lyrics were "...when I looked at her two lips."
That's usually how our mental mailclerk gets caught. Unguarded, we eventually ask the lingering question that has always nagged at us...."Why should he brush her teeth before he leaves her??" or worse yet, we jubilantly sing out in a just-too public moment, fearless with our American Idol-like bravado, and reveal to the world what we should have long known was impossible. "Oh, Sherrie, I'm in love! Hose off! Hose off!"
Purely because they delight me, I share below some Mondegreens that have made me laugh like an idiot on some dark days. I have gathered these from websites, books and personal friends, and they are, to the best of my knowledge, honestly what someone somewhere thought they heard. I challenge you to not only enjoy the first laugh -- the "package" -- but to also enjoy imagining how someone's mental mailclerk made these lyrics work. ;)
SOME CHERISHED MONDEGREENS
Classified by stratum
WOMEN. With so many songs being written about women, it is not surprising that -- like the original Lady Mondegreen who bore the legacy -- Mondegreens about the fairer sex are found aplenty:
"Have you heard, have you heard
about this girl who was ripped up by her boobs?
Have you heard that she learned to like humidity?
You win when you're loose."
ACE OF BASE/"Ravine"
Actual lyric: "Have you heard, have you heard
About this girl who was ripped up by her roots
Have you heard that she learned to like humility
You win when you lose"
"I found her diarrhea beneath a tree."
BREAD/"Diary"
Actual lyric: "I found her diary beneath a tree"
"Bitchy woman."
EAGLES/"Witchy Woman"
Actual lyric: "Witchy woman"
"Four-legged woman!
Four-legged woman, two knees!"
THE BEE GEES/"More Than A Woman"
Actual lyric: "More than a woman,
More than a woman to me"
"She has a hatchback, really thinks she's tough shit!"
GENESIS/"Invisible Touch"
Actual lyric: "She seems to have an invisible touch, yeah"
"She's got thirty days to decide."
KIM CARNES/"Bette Davis Eyes"
Actual lyric: "She's got Bette Davis eyes"
"She has two babies,
One plus six, minus four, is three."
PAULA COLE/"I Don't Want To Wait"
Actual lyric: "She had two babies
One was six and one was three"
RELATIONSHIPS. We humans interact in a complex web of push and pull: lover with lover, parent with child, friend with friend. But don't let a simple Mondegreen get between you and the one you love:
"I was in jail just before we met."
ABBA/"Lay All Your Love On Me"
Actual lyric: "I wasn't jealous before we met"
"I'm your fetus!"
BANANARAMA/"Venus"
Actual lyric: "I'm your Venus"
"How do I get you a loan?"
HEART/"Alone"
Actual lyric: "How do I get you alone?"
"I wear goggles when you are not near."
MACY GRAY/"I Try"
Actual lyric: "My world crumbles when you are not here."
"We both see that the biggest gift will be for me
and the heart attack would say:
'Thank you for being a friend.'"
GOLDEN GIRLS THEME/"Thank You For Being A Friend"
Actual lyric: "We both see that the biggest gift will be from me
and the card attached would say
Thank you for being a friend"
"It's a wheezy to fall in love!
(It's a wheezy, it's a wheezy, it's a wheezy!)"
LINDA RONSTADT/"It's So Easy"
Actual lyric: "It's so easy to fall in love
(It's so easy, it's so easy, it's so easy)"
"Mister, emerge if you dare!"
WHITNEY HOUSTON/"I Have Nothing"
Actual lyric: "Must I imagine you there?"
"When I saw you standing there,
a part fell off my chair."
LOBO/"I'd Love You To Want Me"
Actual lyric: "When I saw you standing there
I about fell off my chair"
SEX. The lurid hint of booty always catches the listening mind, and Mondegreens have lent their salty flavor to many a radio classic:
"I can love you like nobody can,
using butter!"
SYLVIA/"Nobody"
Actual lyric: "I can love you like nobody can
even better"
"Naked people all over!
Naked people all over Cleveland!"
STEVIE WONDER/"Sir Duke"
Actual lyric: "You can feel it all over
You can feel it all over, people!"
"Oh Sherrie, I'm in love!
Hose off! Hose off!"
STEVE PERRY/"O, Sherrie"
Actual lyric: "Oh Sherrie, our love
holds on, holds on"
"He feels me up!"
WHITNEY HOUSTON/"All The Man That I Need"
Actual lyric: "He fills me up"
"I know when to pull your clothes off,
and I know the touch of the fly"
AIR SUPPLY/"Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"
Actual lyric: "I know when to pull you closer
and I know that time's gonna fly"
"Tear off Jeannie's jeans,
Oh what can it mean?"
THE MONKEES/"Daydream Believer"
Actual lyric: "Cheer up sleepy Jean
Oh what can it mean?"
"Looks like we've mated!"
BARRY MANILOW/"Looks Like We Made It"
Actual lyric: "Looks like we made it"
"At first I was afraid
I was a pedophile"
GLORIA GAYNOR/"I Will Survive"
Actual lyric: "At first I was afraid
I was petrified"
ANIMALS. After our fellow homosapiens, it is with God's creatures we most closely share our lives, and they stay in our minds as we listen along:
"Goddamn butterfly!"
HEART/"Dog And Butterfly"
Actual lyric: "Dog and butterfly"
"Weekend orcas trade lonesome prairie dogs with a radio"
ANNE MURRAY/"Another Sleepless Night"
Actual lyric: "We can orchestrate love's scenario with the radio"
"Falling on my head like a gnu in motion"
EURYTHMICS/"Here Comes The Rain Again"
Actual lyric: "Falling on my head like a new emotion"
"Another one fights the duck!"
QUEEN/"Another One Bites The Dust"
Actual lyric: "Another one bites the dust"
"Now the fish are gonna poop in my bed"
ARETHA FRANKLIN/"Who's Zoomin' Who"
Actual lyric: "Now the fish jumped off the hook, yeah"
FOOD. No other category boasts as many Mondegreens as food. This proves yet again that -- even before sleep, water and sex -- it really is all about what's for dinner. Oddly, it is our carnivorous versus vegetarian nature that emerges most often:
"Young girls with eyes like potatoes"
MADONNA/"La Isla Bonita"
Actual lyric: "Young girls with eyes like the desert"
"One-ton tomato!
She ate a one-ton tomato!"
THE SANDPIPERS/"Guantanamera"
Actual lyric: "Guantanamera
Ghahera Guantanamera"
"And they sprinkled walnuts in her hair
and gave her eyes of two"
THE CARPENTERS/"Close To You"
Actual lyric: "And they sprinkled moondust in her hair
and gave her eyes of blue"
"It is the dawning of the age of asparagus"
THE 5TH DIMENSION/"Age Of Aquarius"
Actual lyric: "It is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius"
"Somewhere over the rainbow,
weigh a pie"
JUDY GARLAND/"Over The Rainbow"
Actual lyric: "Somewhere over the rainbow,
way up high
"'Cause we're living in a world of food"
THE BEE GEES/"How Deep Is Your Love"
Actual lyric: "'Cause we're living in a world of fools"
"I guess I was just fish for bacon"
THE COMMODORES/"Sail On"
Actual lyric: "I guess that was just wishful thinking"
"I don't want knowledge,
I want sausages!"
DAVID BOWIE/"Law"
Actual lyric: "I don't want knowledge
I want certainty"
"He's just a poor boy from a poor family,
spare him his life from these pork sausages!"
QUEEN/"Bohemian Rhapsody"
Actual lyric: "He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity"
"Every time you go away,
you take a piece of meat with you"
PAUL YOUNG/"Every Time You Go"
Actual lyric: "Every time you go away
you take a piece of me with you."
LIFE AFFIRMATIONS. Sometimes, nothing encapsulates a life lesson more perfectly than a pop song, and in these moments, a knowing Mondegreen can lend an empowering message of hope in our darkest hour:
"It's just another mayonnaise Monday."
BANGLES/"Manic Monday"
Actual lyric: "It's just another manic Monday"
"What's too painful to remember,
we simply choose to fuck it!"
BARBRA STREISAND/"The Way We Were"
Actual lyric: "What's too painful to to remember,
we simply choose to forget"
"I was thinking to myself:
this could be happening, or this could be ehh"
EAGLES/"Hotel California"
Actual lyric: "I was thinking to myself
this could be heaven or this could be hell"
"Where's my straight white Hercules??"
BONNIE TYLER/"Holding Out For A Hero"
Actual lyric: "Where's the streetwise Hercules?"
"Don't get muck on your face!"
CELINE DION/"That's The Way It Is"
Actual lyric: "Don't give up on your faith"
"I want to bill Verizon"
ENYA/"Anywhere Is"
Actual lyric: "I walk to the horizon"
"Reading's just another word when there's nothin' else to do"
JANIS JOPLIN/"Me And Bobby McGee"
Actual lyric: "Freedom's just another word when there's nothing left to lose"
"Don't let some half-wit whore leave you bitter"
LEE ANN WOMACK/"I Hope You Dance"
Actual lyric: "Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter"
"Open your eyes, look up to the sky
and heave!"
QUEEN/"Bohemian Rhapsody"
Actual lyric: "Open your eyes, look up to the sky
and see"
CERTAIN ARTISTS. By virtue of their popularity and immense commercial output, some artists like The Beatles and The Eagles are awash in Mondegreens. But sometimes the concentration of classics around a single artist, in this case Elton John, can seem too magical to be pure coincidence:
"Goodbye, enormous jeans."
ELTON JOHN/"Candle In The Wind"
Actual lyric: "Goodbye Norma Jean"
"She's got electric boobs,
her mom has too!"
ELTON JOHN/"Bennie And The Jets"
Actual lyric: "She's got electric boots
a mohair suit"
"I never neutered a valentine,
and I guess I never will"
ELTON JOHN/"Crocodile Rock"
Actual lyric: "I never knew me a better time
and i guess I never will"
"Daniel, my brother,
you are all bones and meat"
ELTON JOHN/"Daniel"
Actual lyric: "Daniel, my brother,
you are older than me"
"The cat's not being your penpal"
ELTON JOHN/"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"
Actual lyric: "You can't plant me in your penthouse"
"That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure had big, big balls."
ELTON JOHN/"Pinball Wizard"
Actual lyric: "That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball."
"If I was a sculptor, but then again, gnome."
ELTON JOHN/"Your Song"
Actual lyric: "If I was a sculptor, but then again, no"
An artist needn't be all that popular to rack up the Mondegreens. Country-pop singer Juice Newton, with her relatively brief moment in the sun, left a trail of confusion in her wake, as evidenced by this trio of puzzlers:
"Just brush my teeth before you leave me."
JUICE NEWTON/"Angel Of The Morning"
Actual lyric: "Just touch my cheek before you leave me."
"Take a little flea to lunch!"
JUICE NEWTON/"Queen Of Hearts"
Actual lyric: "Playing with the queen of hearts"
"And I have never been afraid of museums."
JUICE NEWTON/"The Sweetest Thing"
Actual lyric: "And I have never been afraid of losin'"
STRANGE CASTMEMBERS. One of the most provoking families of Mondegreens involves the pointed insertion of a named character who, heretofore in the song, has been unannounced, thus causing the listener to rapidly re-run the lyric, struggling to place this new player into the scene:
"Caribou Queen,
now with Sherry Neusantrie."
BILLY OCEAN/"Caribbean Queen"
Actual lyric: "Caribbean queen
Now we're sharing this same dream"
"Ain't no woman like the one-eyed Gott!"
THE FOUR TOPS/"Ain't No Woman"
Actual lyric: "Ain't no woman like the one I've got"
"This gun's for hire,
even if you're Ted Danson in the dark."
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN/"Dancing In The Dark"
Actual lyric: "This gun's for hire
even if we're just dancing in the dark"
"Here comes Lorraine again."
EURYTHMICS/"Here Comes The Rain Again"
Actual lyric: "Here comes the rain again"
"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Stennie the Lad! Stennie the Lad!"
THE BEE GEES/"Stayin' Alive"
Actual lyric: "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
"Doolie told me, one more time,
'Once is never enough with a man like you!'"
CAPTAIN & TENNILLE/"Do That To Me One More Time"
Actual lyric: "Do that to me one more time
Once is never enough with a man like you"
"Met a man named Maurice.
That is all that I am taking with me."
WHITNEY HOUSTON/"I Will Always Love You"
Actual lyric: "Bittersweet memories,
that is all I am taking with me"
"She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
that she calls Vince."
EAGLES/"Hotel California"
Actual lyric: "She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
that she calls friends"
"Put Mary in a coalmine."
THE POLICE/"Canary In A Coalmine"
Actual lyric: "Canary in a coalmine"
"They poisoned Clyde."
10CC/"I'm Not In Love"
Actual lyric: "Big boys don't cry"
"Frollipin the Otamus"
PETER, PAUL & MARY/"Puff The Magic Dragon"
Actual lyric: "Frolicked in the autumn mist"
"Then the face of Alice Ghostly
turned a whiter shade of pale."
PROCOL HARUM/"A Whiter Shade Of Pale"
Actual lyric: "Then her face at first just ghostly
Turned a whiter shade of pale."
MORBIDITY. Certain Mondegreens wield the power to steer a song sharply into very, very dark territory which often belies the otherwise cheeriness of the melody.
"If you like making love at midnight
and the doomed suffocate."
RUPERT HOLMES/"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"
Actual lyric: "If you like making love at midnight
on the dunes of the cape"
"Give to me your liver, take from me my legs."
STEVIE NICKS & DON HENLEY/"Leather And Lace"
Actual lyric: "Give me your leather, take from me my lace"
"I will turn your face into rural Nebraska!"
THE POLICE/"Wrapped Around Your Finger"
Actual lyric: "I will turn your face to alabaster"
"I once thought of you as a white man on a stick"
THE MONKEES/"Daydream Believer"
Actual lyric: "I once thought of you as a white knight on a steed"
"Oh, shush, keep it down now,
you'll miscarry!"
'TIL TUESDAY/"Voices Carry"
Actual lyric: "Hush, hush, keep it down now
voices carry"
"Gonna swallow my brain, feel it slowly,
stomp on your fingers, the blame is on me"
BOYZ II MEN/"On Bended Knee"
Actual lyric: "Gonna swallow my pride, say I'm sorry
stop pointing fingers, the blame is on me"
"Her name was Lola,
she lost her shoulder."
BARRY MANILOW/"Copacabana"
Actual lyric: "Her name was Lola,
she was a showgirl"
CAN THEY REALLY SAY THAT ON THE RADIO?? Ever since Wild Cherry taunted an onstage musician to "Play that fuckin' music, white boy!," there have been Mondegreens which seem to surely violate the laws of the FCC. Did they really say that?
"I've got a jet ram made of monkeys' cocks!"
FALCO/"Rock Me Amadeus"
Actual lyric: "War wohl Jedermann bekkant"
"Wrapped up like a douche,
another boner in the night"
MANFRED MANN/"Blinded By The Light"
Actual lyric: "Wrapped up like a deuce
another runner in the night"
"Who you gonna call?
Those bastards!!"
RAY PARKER JR./"Ghostbusters"
Actual lyric: "Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters"
"They call Alabama 'The Crimson Tide,'
call me 'Dick In Blue'"
STEELY DAN/"Deacon Blue"
Actual lyric: "They call Alabama the crimson tide,
call me Deacon Blue"
"We'll have time for potty-flavored kisses
And a bit of conversation"
THE MONKEES/"Last Train To Clarksville"
Actual lyric: "We'll have time for party-flavored kisses
And a bit of conversation"
"If I was your girl
all the things I'd do to you!
I'd make you throw up and shit,
my asshole lips belong to you!"
JANET JACKSON/"If"
Actual lyric: "If I was your girl
all the things I'd do you
I'd make you call out my name
I'd ask who it belongs to"
JUST PLAIN "HUH??" Surely the most beloved Mondegreen of all is the one that defies any attempt at resolution. It is this Mondegreen that we ultimately just yield to, loving it purely for who and what it is without asking why.
"I want a kimono,
to hell with the concert plans."
MELISSA ETHERIDGE/"I Want To Come Over"
Actual lyric: "I want to come over
To hell with the consequence"
"I give my kids above-the-waistline suction"
MURRAY HEAD/"One Night In Bangkok"
Actual lyric: "I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine"
"Bought a wombat on the radio"
MARIAH CAREY/"We Belong Together"
Actual lyric: "Bobby Womack's on the radio"
"Sewing machines of love"
TEARS FOR FEARS/"Sowing The Seeds Of Love"
Actual lyric: "Sowing the seeds of love"
"Small dents in your eyes"
THE PLATTERS/"Smoke Gets In Your Eyes"
Actual lyric: "Smoke gets in your eyes"
"And I'd like to know where you got the nosejob"
THE HUES CORPORATION/"Rock The Boat"
Actual lyric: "And I'd like to know where you got the notion"
"When we called out for a latrine,
then the waiter brought a tray."
PROCOL HARUM/"A Whiter Shade Of Pale"
Actual lyric: "When we called out for another drink
the waiter brought the tray"
"I'm a toad and I'm drunk."
THREE DOG NIGHT/"Mama Told Me Not To Come"
Actual lyric: "Mama told me not to come"
"And they whirl, anti-twirl, anti-tango"
CAPTAIN & TENNILLE/"Muskrat Love"
Actual lyric: "And they whirl and they twirl and they tango"
"I'm frustrated by your applique."
ALANIS MORISSETTE/"All I Really Want"
Actual lyric: "I'm frustrated by your apathy"
"Angels in a catapult."
J. GEILS BAND/"Centerfold"
Actual lyric: "My angel is a centerfold"
Woody Firm, May 14, 2008